Never

I don't think I will ever be thin. Never. But I want it so badly. SO BADLY. Why can't I just be skinny what the FUCK.

Oh no

How I wish I didn't have two midterms tomorrow.

Then the slippers on my feet and my loose fitting pjs

the pillows and blankets surrounding me

would feel less like temptation

and more like

relaxation.

I am very nervous and sick feeling and stressed out. There are tears welling in my eyes, I keep picking at my nails, nose and thighs, I'm bumming about my weight. All of these things happen when I'm stressed. And then I procrastinate. I write on my blog and take a shower and just think of all the things I have to do instead of studying for an environmental science midterm and doing an art project. DUE TOMORROW, BY THE WAY. I'm contemplating taking a 30 minute nap, even though I know that when I'm sick and sad and tired I never get up from naps...I just stay in bed all night long.

I need to find solace, somehow, somewhere.

Ugh!

I ate so much food tonight for dinner and snacking that I feel like a balloon. Fucking fat man. I don't appreciate this one bit. I didn't control myself...fuck.

WHY?

Why do whippits only last like 35 seconds? Why.

...

I am very VERY good at lying.

Ballet?

Umm uh uh so I am about to start taking ballet tomorrow, but now I'm looking at the leotards and slippers and tights and I have NO idea what I'm supposed to be buying or looking for as far as style, shape, quality, fit... AHH! The sizes are even A B C and D instead of Small, Medium, Large and XL!

Do I even want to take this? What the heck, I'll go and see if I like it, I OBVIOUSLY won't have the clothes for tomorrow, but I'll see by the end of tomorrow I suppose. Damn.

Volunteer!!

OK so I am getting VERY excited.

Maybe it's the amount of caffeine I've ingested today.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm snowed in and there is a blizzard out.

MAYBE it's because I'm FINALLY figuring next year out!

Yeah probably that one.

But no matter WHAT the reason is, I finally figured out what I'll do to volunteer next year! I'm applying to Utah Conservation Corps, an org in Nicaragua, and various farms and eco-resorts in Costa Rica and Argentina. I CANNOT WAIT for next year. If all goes according to plan, I will have a FABULOUS year off.

Wow, look at all those caps-locked words. I must be EXCITED!!!

I mean, come on, who wouldn't be excited to volunteer at an eco-friendly, vegetarian-friendly yoga resort in Costa Rica? Dream life much.

So I'll keep everything posted..just know this, I AM STOKED!!!

Things that I don't like

Actually, just one thing that seems to be an overriding theme in my life: my weight.

I have had a problem with this shit since I was 12 or 8 years old, GOD knows how long. I remember being little and feeling like I weighed just a bittt more than other kids. Which was true, until high school. I was actually fairly thin in high school. I'm 5'6", and I ranged from anywhere between 116-123 pounds. Not bad.

But now I've got this thing with the Freshman 15. I WISH IT WASN'T TRUE. I totally weigh in at a MINIMUM of 130 now, and just now the scale said 134. GASP. I know I shouldn't care as much as I do, it's just a body, blerghady blerg. But I just hate feeling fat. I know I'm NOT fat, cause I know what heavy and overweight look like: not 134 pounds. But I feel it, you know?

Butt is bigger (nice) but not as firm. Boobs are bigger (don't mind that AT ALL). My jeans = tight. In a bad way. A bit of extra meat on the hips. Don't get me wrong, everyone still thinks I look fine, and to be honest, I probably do. It's just that 134 was a weight I NEVER wanted to see. EVER. It is not okay. I thought that maybe when I got to be 35 or 40 and had popped one out I might end up weighing that much. I'm a FRESHMAN in COLLEGE. I should weigh less.

Obviously, the main contributing factors are:

1. Food

The food at college is outrageous!! Crazy proportions, huge plates, cereal 24/7, no one to say That's Too Much, except me, who just eats all the goods. Dessert, EVERY NIGHT. Snacks at 9-10, thank you M&Cs.

2. Drinking

I hate this one, because I love drinking. I love alcohol, what can I say. I hate that it is so pumped with calories. I'm also sick of having to 'give up' substances. I know that if I stopped drinking, or at least pulled off a lot, I would lose weight fast. Honestly, I probably gained 5 pounds just from partying. But I have this strange complex with having to stop doing something because I've 'exhausted' its fun. Alcohol can't be one of those things. I'm young, and I want to be able to drink for a long time. But all this weight is KILLING me!

3. Study habits

Up til 2 or 3 AM = too many late night snacks. Oh, and I like to eat when I'm drunk too. FML.

Why can't I just get over this? I know if I eat less, drink less, drink more water and exercise daily I can lose the weight. I know that these 8 or 10 pounds really aren't all that much...but it seems like an overbearing, tormenting amount. My boyfriend still says I'm sexy. Hell, he called my ass 'magnificent' the other night. But I just can't seem to get over it.

Another funny thing: I used to hook up with girls, and I always preferred a girl with a bit of a cute stomach, a soft tummy I could run my hands over. The skinny girls were TOO skinny, not enough lovin' to go around. But then I over obsess about the fat my boyfriend might feel, freak out when I see a little too much stomach. And all along that's what I know my dream person is like, but I can't be my dream.

I'm almost glad no one reads this blog. My secrets, broadcasted, but unnoticed. How pleasant, really :)

Personal Success

Woohoo! I got a 96 on my Spanish final. Horray!

Small personal victory!!!

11:47 PM

Sometimes, I get drunk by myself.

3 AM

12 Midnight

Kinda like right now. 11:47 PM, tipsy, alone in my room.

This is my life.

Now for the Bass

I love dubstep. Not as much as my boyfriend does, but I am in love with it. Techno, electronica... don't dis it just because it isn't made with "real" instruments. The artists have a passion, they are good at what they do, and the bass rocks your body damn hard.

Right now, although not particularly "bassy", I'm listening to Alice Practice by Crystal Castles. Air War might be one of their best songs. Check it out.

I am not solely an aficionado of le bass, by the way. J'aime le hip-hop, punk, rap, indie, experimental, alternative, rock, SHIT THROW IT AT ME AND I LOVE IT. Atmosphere (I LOVE SLUG), RHCP, RATM, The Decemberists, Ingrid Michaelson, Immortal Technique, RATATAT, Bob Dylan, The Grateful Dead, I love it all.

MUSIC IS MY LOVE. I kind of want to get this tattooed on me. Pwetty, no?

Oh, if only I had musical talent. I would put so much passion into my work nobody would know what to do. They would be ashamed, like when you cant help but simultaneously stare but dream to avert your eyes when you see a young couple, embraced, making out, sharing passionate kisses, ignoring everyone else. I would have so much passion you might blow your load. I wish I had musical talent.

Lists

I used to have this huge infatuation with lists. I would make lists of thing I'd done, people I'd kissed, how much I weighed, how long it took to run a mile, two miles, three miles. I would make lists of things to achieve, things to pack for a trip. I would make lists of the amount of crunches I would do from 'now til prom', 'now til summer', now til whenever.

I made so many lists that now, when I make a list, if I ever do, I won't achieve anything on it. I am scared off of lists. Scared shitless, man.

I won't makes lists now. I'm trying to lose about 6 pounds - those I unfortunately gained in college. I have a small booklet I made, a bunch of little squares of paper stapled together, and every day I write the workout I've done in them. How many miles, crunches, the reps and the weight used, etc. I write it all, but only after I've done it.

Maybe I have a problem with defining my future, trying to create my destiny. Maybe it's just supposed to happen. That's how I almost lost the boy I love. I planned it out, tried to think two or three years into the future. I psyched myself out.

There is nothing wrong with loving in the moment.