I have had a problem with this shit since I was 12 or 8 years old, GOD knows how long. I remember being little and feeling like I weighed just a bittt more than other kids. Which was true, until high school. I was actually fairly thin in high school. I'm 5'6", and I ranged from anywhere between 116-123 pounds. Not bad.
But now I've got this thing with the Freshman 15. I WISH IT WASN'T TRUE. I totally weigh in at a MINIMUM of 130 now, and just now the scale said 134. GASP. I know I shouldn't care as much as I do, it's just a body, blerghady blerg. But I just hate feeling fat. I know I'm NOT fat, cause I know what heavy and overweight look like: not 134 pounds. But I feel it, you know?
Butt is bigger (nice) but not as firm. Boobs are bigger (don't mind that AT ALL). My jeans = tight. In a bad way. A bit of extra meat on the hips. Don't get me wrong, everyone still thinks I look fine, and to be honest, I probably do. It's just that 134 was a weight I NEVER wanted to see. EVER. It is not okay. I thought that maybe when I got to be 35 or 40 and had popped one out I might end up weighing that much. I'm a FRESHMAN in COLLEGE. I should weigh less.
Obviously, the main contributing factors are:
1. Food
The food at college is outrageous!! Crazy proportions, huge plates, cereal 24/7, no one to say That's Too Much, except me, who just eats all the goods. Dessert, EVERY NIGHT. Snacks at 9-10, thank you M&Cs.
2. Drinking
I hate this one, because I love drinking. I love alcohol, what can I say. I hate that it is so pumped with calories. I'm also sick of having to 'give up' substances. I know that if I stopped drinking, or at least pulled off a lot, I would lose weight fast. Honestly, I probably gained 5 pounds just from partying. But I have this strange complex with having to stop doing something because I've 'exhausted' its fun. Alcohol can't be one of those things. I'm young, and I want to be able to drink for a long time. But all this weight is KILLING me!
3. Study habits
Up til 2 or 3 AM = too many late night snacks. Oh, and I like to eat when I'm drunk too. FML.
Why can't I just get over this? I know if I eat less, drink less, drink more water and exercise daily I can lose the weight. I know that these 8 or 10 pounds really aren't all that much...but it seems like an overbearing, tormenting amount. My boyfriend still says I'm sexy. Hell, he called my ass 'magnificent' the other night. But I just can't seem to get over it.
Another funny thing: I used to hook up with girls, and I always preferred a girl with a bit of a cute stomach, a soft tummy I could run my hands over. The skinny girls were TOO skinny, not enough lovin' to go around. But then I over obsess about the fat my boyfriend might feel, freak out when I see a little too much stomach. And all along that's what I know my dream person is like, but I can't be my dream.
I'm almost glad no one reads this blog. My secrets, broadcasted, but unnoticed. How pleasant, really :)
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