Lists

I used to have this huge infatuation with lists. I would make lists of thing I'd done, people I'd kissed, how much I weighed, how long it took to run a mile, two miles, three miles. I would make lists of things to achieve, things to pack for a trip. I would make lists of the amount of crunches I would do from 'now til prom', 'now til summer', now til whenever.

I made so many lists that now, when I make a list, if I ever do, I won't achieve anything on it. I am scared off of lists. Scared shitless, man.

I won't makes lists now. I'm trying to lose about 6 pounds - those I unfortunately gained in college. I have a small booklet I made, a bunch of little squares of paper stapled together, and every day I write the workout I've done in them. How many miles, crunches, the reps and the weight used, etc. I write it all, but only after I've done it.

Maybe I have a problem with defining my future, trying to create my destiny. Maybe it's just supposed to happen. That's how I almost lost the boy I love. I planned it out, tried to think two or three years into the future. I psyched myself out.

There is nothing wrong with loving in the moment.