Never

I don't think I will ever be thin. Never. But I want it so badly. SO BADLY. Why can't I just be skinny what the FUCK.

Oh no

How I wish I didn't have two midterms tomorrow.

Then the slippers on my feet and my loose fitting pjs

the pillows and blankets surrounding me

would feel less like temptation

and more like

relaxation.

I am very nervous and sick feeling and stressed out. There are tears welling in my eyes, I keep picking at my nails, nose and thighs, I'm bumming about my weight. All of these things happen when I'm stressed. And then I procrastinate. I write on my blog and take a shower and just think of all the things I have to do instead of studying for an environmental science midterm and doing an art project. DUE TOMORROW, BY THE WAY. I'm contemplating taking a 30 minute nap, even though I know that when I'm sick and sad and tired I never get up from naps...I just stay in bed all night long.

I need to find solace, somehow, somewhere.

Ugh!

I ate so much food tonight for dinner and snacking that I feel like a balloon. Fucking fat man. I don't appreciate this one bit. I didn't control myself...fuck.

WHY?

Why do whippits only last like 35 seconds? Why.

...

I am very VERY good at lying.

Ballet?

Umm uh uh so I am about to start taking ballet tomorrow, but now I'm looking at the leotards and slippers and tights and I have NO idea what I'm supposed to be buying or looking for as far as style, shape, quality, fit... AHH! The sizes are even A B C and D instead of Small, Medium, Large and XL!

Do I even want to take this? What the heck, I'll go and see if I like it, I OBVIOUSLY won't have the clothes for tomorrow, but I'll see by the end of tomorrow I suppose. Damn.

Volunteer!!

OK so I am getting VERY excited.

Maybe it's the amount of caffeine I've ingested today.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm snowed in and there is a blizzard out.

MAYBE it's because I'm FINALLY figuring next year out!

Yeah probably that one.

But no matter WHAT the reason is, I finally figured out what I'll do to volunteer next year! I'm applying to Utah Conservation Corps, an org in Nicaragua, and various farms and eco-resorts in Costa Rica and Argentina. I CANNOT WAIT for next year. If all goes according to plan, I will have a FABULOUS year off.

Wow, look at all those caps-locked words. I must be EXCITED!!!

I mean, come on, who wouldn't be excited to volunteer at an eco-friendly, vegetarian-friendly yoga resort in Costa Rica? Dream life much.

So I'll keep everything posted..just know this, I AM STOKED!!!